trinkets and emotions

Maybe its the gloomy rainy day, maybe its the fact that during a gloomy rainy day I am thankful for having an indoor job.  Whatever it is I am pretty emotional today and sappy!  Never a good combination!  But not in a bad way today.  I have really thought about the people in my life today and how thankful I am for them.

I have an amazing family that is there for me.  We are a bit whacked and put the "DYS" in dysfunctional but you know what?  We love each other.  I have awesome people that have become my family!  The boyfriends family has really become this huge extended part of my life.  I feel like I have additional sisters, mother and father, nieces, cousins, the works.  Very blessed that I have all these people!

And that leads me to trinkets.  I have pieces that I wear to remind me of people.  I wear a part of my mom every day.  Be it her ring, a pair of earrings or her watch.  There is something about having something she wore ON HER SKIN, on me that makes me feel like she still might be close.  Lately its a ring of hers, a simple silver ring with a heart shape on it.  Simple, like I am, not flashy like her.  Just a very little mark that has the symbol of love, just like her.  I miss her still, every single day!  There are times that I would give up nearly anything for one more conversation.  But its not going to happen.  So I keep parts of her close to me and talk to her in my head. It works, sorta.

I also have a very simple silver ring that I wear from my oldest son.  It was out of a quarter machine from Pizza hut no less.  I never take it off, not to do dishes, not to bath and guess what?  It still is in great shape and hasn't turned me green!  Just like my boys its solid and always there.  It didn't cost a lot but it makes me smile. My boys are amazingly easy to please in this same way, we can do anything and it doesn't have to cost anything and they are so very thankful!  They make me feel like I am a great mom, even when we argue or I am at my wits end at least one of them will offer up a hug or encouraging word and I know that things are still OK.  They are my mark on this world and its an amazing mark as they are great boys!

And lastly I nearly everyday wear a watch where the watch face is the yellow liver cancer awareness ribbon.  After seeing a pink one I complained that its "always the pink ribbon, always breast cancer" which then I felt horrible about complaining about.  After all breast cancer has touched people close to me as well.  But liver cancer took my mom, I wanted a way to mark that.  Lo and behold my wonderful adopted (not sister in law but its the boyfriend's sister) ordered me one and made me wonderful bands for it for my birthday.  Thats family right there, knowing what one wants and going to lengths to give that to them, knowing how much it would mean to me.

So, my trinkets are a connection to the amazing people I have around me.  And on sappy days those people around me mean more than anything.  I tried to take time today to let everyone of them know they were important to me and say thank you.  Have you done the same lately?  Its amazing what a simple thanks will do for your spirit....try it.

To get to know me

Yes, I realize that this is a childish myspace game, and really who myspaces anymore?! But to cure the doldrums and for others to know a bit more about me that I am sure they don't care to know I am doing one of "those" questionnaires for the hell of it! (and because I have had a few drinks of crown!)

Body:

Are there any words on your shirt? No, I am pretty against shirts with words on them.  Unless I am at the "night job" and its a beer or liquor shirt. How many tattoos do you have? 1 for now, the 2nd is drawn  up Are you anything like you were at this point last year? Not even close Do you enjoy late night phone conversations? Sometimes, but nothing beats being in bed with someone and plotting the future, even if its just the next day. Were you happy when you woke up today? When I wake up in the morning and my feet hit the floor then I am usually pretty happy to be alive. What were you doing at 5 this morning? Sleeping What do you wanna name your future daughter? I won't have a future daughter, I am all done.  Had any of my boys been a girl it would have been Annalee Jo Who were the last people you rode in the car with that were under 21? My 3 boys, every single day almost Where do you wish you were right now? In a very sane part of the world where clothing is optional and the sun is guaranteed. Are there any bruises on your body? Yes, I am a klutz so thats an easy yes almost always. Does it bother you when someone lies to you? Yes, whats the point? Have you ever punched a hole in the wall? Sure Have and it hurt! Who were you talking to the last time a conversation brought you to tears? HA! Lately damn near anyone!  Mostly I do it all by myself though, I like privacy. Are you single? I am not, I have "the boyfriend" he is amazing, end of story :D Would you be able to live with one of your best friends and not wanna kill them? I actually doubt it.  I am a picky Bitch Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? I kissed my boys goodnight and hope to do that for as long as they live with me;) adult kiss?  You bet he better stick around for five million more, our kisses just match up too well. Did your last kiss take place on a bed? No Do you find smoking unattractive? It is, and yet I still do it. Do you think anyone has feelings for you? Feelings?  You bet, hate is a feeling!  Love as well.  I am hoping I have some of each of those to keep me balanced. When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? Every Single Day Have you ever taken a picture of yourself kissing someone?Yes!  And I am an adult but damn we look adorable doing it! You're locked in a room with the person you last kissed, any problems? Nope none at all!!!! How has this past weekend been for you? Its was awesome I was in the mountains in a beautiful cabins and riding snowmobiles!  Yup it was freaking fantastic! Do you have memories you don't wanna let go of? All of them! Who was the last person you said you "hated?" MY EX HUSBAND Who do you have texts from in your inbox? how dumb is this? Too much crown?  I realize that why am I answering this and who would care?  Ok I am game, all in.  "the boyfriend" my dad, my wife (aka best friend) two sisters and ok I am not looking thats off top of my head. Next time you will kiss someone? Tonight Could you handle living together with the last person who texted you? Of course I already do What if your ex was in a relationship? Dear God, I could only hope!  Please let him find happiness so he doesn't have to try to piss me off at every turn. What was the last thing you drew on a fogged up window? :) Does anyone owe you money? Nope, have I given out money?  Yes, I never expect it back if I don't have it to give I don't. Were the last group of people you hung out with older or younger? younger they were my spectacular children Do you think it makes you weak if you cry? YES!  I hate it Could you go the rest of your life without doing any drugs? legal ones?  No! Is it ever too late to apologize? No Want someone back in your life? Thats pretty personal?  Yes, I do a very good friend I miss. Is there anyone you would seriously punch right now if you had the chance? Yes....over and over agin in the face!!!! Can you get over people easily? Not really Do you sleep with or without clothes on? without Was you last kiss drunk or sober? Sober Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? Yes If someone wanted to tell you how they felt, would you listen? Always Would you rather be called honey or baby? Darlin' is my favorite.  But usually baby Do you like waking up and having new text messages? No Is your current hair color your natural hair color? I have no idea, guessing no. Could you eat nothing but grilled cheese for a week straight? It would fill me up, I wouldn't like it. Where was the last place you went besides your house? Wrestling match at the high school for my middle boy. Would you rather have long or short hair? Either Do you want children? I have some thanks :D Do you like movie nights? Sometimes yes. Is there anyone who doesn't like you? Yes!. Do you have any text messages that you don't want other people reading?No, wait there is that one about batteries.  Nah, just kidding read what you want. Any locked messages? Yes, a few they make me feel good when I need them. Did you know that you can find out how to make meth on the internet? Duh! Do you still talk to the person you were dating 6 months ago? Well yeah Would you ever get matching tattoos with someone you were serious with? Hmm, probably not. Could you stay in the same relationship for over a year? Yes and have. Did you ever lose a best friend? Yes Whose bedroom were you in last in? Ours Would you be able to name everyone you kissed in '09? well thats asking alot!  I spent part of that year not so sober!  Ok so yeah probably ;)  Just kidding yes I could. Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize? No, and never will I have accepted that Is there a difference between love and in love? Yes What are your favorite brand of jeans? Lucky or Silvers for now. What's most important in a relationship: trust or happiness? Trust!!! Do you really know how heartbreak feels? Yes I do it hurts and sucks and they don't make a pill for that! Do you tend to hold things against people? Not really often. and now that I feel really lame for even answering those I am going to call it a night! Do I feel better?  No!  Was I entertained for a few minutes?  Sadly, Yes.

I miss my sounding board! I miss my momma!

I miss this lady

My mother was the greatest sounding board ever.  She would make me feel better without coddling me, but in the event someone was wrong she wouldn't hesitate to tell me I was dealing with a dumb ass!

Today has been dumb ass central!  Dealing with my ex has always been like dealing with a two year old that had his toy taken away.  Tonight he made me feel like a horrible mother, made me doubt myself and cut me down in front of a Kindergarten teacher!

After never, ever in our life showing up for a parent teacher conference he shows up tonight without warning.  Cool, so he is going to take an interest in the kids' education?  Awesome.  Wrong again, it was a chance to belittle me in front of others.  He showed up a few minutes before me and when the teacher was offering to make copies of the report card he turned around and said, "oh I didn't know you would care enough to BOTHER showing up!"  What the HELL!  I have been to every single one, never ever missed one.  I have the boys all week and make sure homework is done, they are fed, they make it to activities (that I pay for) and get them to school on time.  I put the work into it and have very little of the down time, the fun no schedules time.  It took me quite awhile to come to grips with this, to realize I know I am doing my job and doing it well!  I kick ass at this mom stuff, its the one thing I can for sure pride myself on!  

So where does my mom come into that?  Why does it make me miss her more?  She would have been able to calm me down quicker, she would have made me feel better and had witty come backs for next time it happens.  She would have made me feel valuable.   I miss her advice most of all her shoulder I was able to lean on.  She was a woman of strength and had enough for all of us.

In these days we have had that have been tough.  Where everyone (family) is bickering where I get to play middle man, she would have put it all in perspective.  She would have either had it all lined out or fixed or she would have known what part of it was worthy of blowing off.

I wonder how long it takes to be a wise momma like that?  Or is it just a natural talent and I am wound too tight to ever be like her?  Did she have these moments of self doubt?  She might have but it never showed.  That lady was able to put one foot in front of the other and just get it done, whatever it took!  She faced down single motherhood, working multiple jobs.  Raising three girls, met a wonderful man (my dad) and well she survived me.  She stared illness in the face and fought it like a champ, and let it beat her with grace.  She knew when to slam and lock the door from nurses and sneak out to go fishing to save her own sanity.  She was a lady, a mom and a true champ.  And I will never measure up to all that, and I just wish so hard tonight that I had her shoulder to lean on.

So, about sums it up.  I miss my momma.  Eventually, hopefully by the end of the night I will be able to shrug it off and and go back to being the best I can be.  Hopefully she will touch my thoughts in some way and let me know she is still with me.  After all momma even gone moved a train for me :D (thats a story for another day, soon!)

PS  My 2 youngest boys got straight A's and are doing wonderful!  My 6th grader thats in honors everything pulled all a's and a B+  my 6th grade brainy boy who is in pre-algebra right now is being recommended for Algebra next year and is on track to have most of his high school math done before he is a freshman and able to start college math classes!  I like to think I had a hand in their brains and work ethic!

Tuesday, memory day

And oddly it has become cheesecake day too! We have a cookie basket lady that delivers every Tuesday and Thursday to the office, somehow I have made Tuesdays a little better by having cheesecake once a week for breakfast. Hmm, yeap I am ok with that!

Mommy memory! This one came to me easy today due to circumstances that happened last night. My mom was an extremely crafty lady. She sewed, paper crafted, crocheted, and most of all was a wonderful painter.

Yesterday, we were in the store buying stuff to sew my son's scout patches on his shirt. Ok, never mind glue them on because lets face it I don't sew, I am not my momma! As we were there my son who is 9 got tears in his eyes. Asking what was wrong he said that section of Walmart and buying the sewing stuff reminded him of his gramma and how talented she was and how much he missed her. My heart hurt for him so much and how do I make him better when I hurt too? So we finished up our shopping and went home. He was increasingly grumpy that night and finally we had to sit down and chat. Told him that sometimes we have to cry, or think about Gramma or even write about it to feel better. He worked on it, my little man got out a pad of paper and started writing, bless his heart he might have a little of me in him yet.

So happy memories. Mom was talented, as I said and she always too the time to sit down with us and involve us. My fondest memory is painting with her. We sat down and painted a stick horse (fancy pretty cute) and framed it. I am terrible but my mom helped me finesse it and I still have it to this day. Her ability to catch amazing eyes on animals and things of that nature was not passed down to me, but her help on my project made it passable. It provided an amazing opportunity to sit at the table and talk with her and even better at that time, play with her paints and brushes.

Anytime I decided to take on a project it never failed that I had to either take it to mom or call her for help on it. Everything from sewing pillows to paper crafting. She was patient and understanding and knew how to fix everything. EXCEPT for my oldest sister Shannon, we decided she would never be allowed near a sewing machine again, it was hopeless and mom refused. It became a good natured fun teasing point of family conversations.

Many people all over our state have some of mom's creations, most specifically Christmas decor that she painted and it is amazing to know that a part of her will live on in those.

As for my boys and me, I will never be talented in the way she was but I can keep trying and I can keep patting their heads as they have certain things remind them of her and it knocks them on their butts. I know it hurts, I can hug them and not tell them its ok just that they aren't alone. I can try to pass on some of her talents to them and one day they might have the artistic ability she did. They can connect through all of the things she has made for us that we still treasure.

I will always have a picture of my mom in my head of her bent over the table painting away, usually in a favorite denim shirt with splatters of paint on her hands, probably her shirt and sometimes even her face, typical french braid in her hair and forever looking for her glasses. Its so vivid today that visual is actually make me smile. :D

I'm going through changes...

Why oh why do I have random music popping up in my head that I only know a few lyrics to? Between I'm going through changes and "Final countdown" I am driving myself nuts!

I feel, the last few day, on edge. Things are moving forward and happening at what feels like record speed and I want to drag my feet and go back to "the usual". Does the "usual" include using so many " " as I type? Work is the same, both jobs. The kids activities remain the same, daily life as I know it? So not the same. Its so different waking up in a different house, going to bed in that house. Adjusting to all of us being in the same house. Its nice. I enjoy the evenings together with "the boyfriend" even if they are just playing facebook poker or watching American Idol. I enjoy cooking for more people. I love that he helps! (that is so new!) its just DIFFERENT!

So much of this has led me to re-evaluate myself. Its strange realizing that maybe I am not 100% ok with myself. I mean I never have been but now I am more actively thinking about it. I have to be the best of me so I can give that best to my boys, to my relationship, to my work and when I start ticking in my head, that noise that says things just are going to work status quo.

I have shocked myself in ways. I am more liberal than I thought! I find myself reading and being interested in politics and the news and all that is happening. Coming from a family of die hard conservatives I am not. WHAT?! I was! But I find myself agreeing with others on issues I didn't think I would. Its interesting and very much a learning experience.

I am also a jealous/envious person. I didn't realize how much. Mostly of people's situations. Prime example, ex husband is going back to school. I am wicked jealous that he has time and means to make this happen, I find myself growling inward that he doesn't have to do all the daily errand running that my boys require so he can commit to a school schedule. He gets weekends the easy times, the times that don't demand that everything be scheduled to the tee to make it all happen. Then I think to myself, wait I don't have to do all that running, I GET to! They won't always need me and for now they do, and they are so appreciative of that. The ride to and from things are often times our time to connect and talk. He is missing out on that stuff, thats the good stuff! I will get over it, if I want to go that badly I will find a way to make it happen, I need to get off my duff and get it done! I am envious of people that find a way to work out daily, then I realize its an excuse when I want that badly enough I will find a way to make that happen too! At least I think I am fairly ok off if I realize that I can make it happen, I just haven't. The first step is admitting it could be me right?!

I want to be more organized and work harder and not always be a dollar short and a day late. I am actually working on this one, small changes should eventually add up to a smoother day/month year, budget and time wise. For now its babysteps.

Valentine's day is coming. I dread it! I was going to not even mention this day in my blog but alas here I come back to it. I don't want to show up empty handed, but I don't want to get carried away cheesy either. Whats the perfect idea? What oh what can I do? Meh, something will pop up sooner or later. It really should only be about candy hearts and no expectations. Its not, but it should be!

So among all my ramblings, the stupid lyrics, "going thru changes" keeps going through my head. Maybe I will look up the song and sing it all and be over all the edginess that I am feeling. Or maybe I will use it to push myself forward!

Trippy Tuesday,

Via the advice of a dear friend I have decided to do something different on Tuesdays. Since they suck so bad and I always fall in to the zoned out sad category I have decided to share a memory on Tuesdays of my mom, happy positive memories. So its memory lane trip time, hence trippy Tuesday yeah I know, I am not real clever. Never said it was my strong suit, cleverness. Smart ass comments? That I can do.

Anyhow a memory! One of the best things about my mom, and the thing we keep touching on now while the sisters and I go through major life changes are her little pep talks. The ones on the phone where she makes us totally believe its going to be ok! One of her favorite quotes was "its always alright in the end, if its not alright its not the end yet" Seems like she would always remind us of that. Or "don't sweat the small stuff and its all small stuff". So simple but so true most all of the time. I will never forget when I called mom to tell her I was getting divorced. I hated the thought of them knowing my marriage was failing, what would she think, how would she react, how disappointed in me would she be? As I walked outside, cigarette in hand ready for a long conversation she simply said, I know and I am glad. WHAT?! No lecture no are you sure? Nope she was a mom she already knew I had been super unhappy for a very long time. She told me I would move on, that I would work hard and do the best I could by my boys. I could move closer to home and she would help or I could pull up my bootstraps so to speak and just get things done. She didn't go on for a long time but by the end I felt like I could actually make it all work.

As we go through these times now without her here for the phone pep talks it proves to be super tough. My sisters and I reach out to each other to fill in the giant gaping hole. Conversations usually go something like this "help I need mom will you tell me it will be ok?" And we scramble and stutter and try to think of what mom would say. I am not sure how we are doing at it, but we all seem to be getting through.

Sometimes all we had to do was pick up the phone and say Hi and she would instantly know something was up. Mom told someone once she could tell when something was going on with me because I would be super chipper and avoid anything of any seriousness in my conversation. She would even go along with me on those conversations and finally she would say "so whats really up?" Man, could I unload on her at those times!

My biggest regret is as she was sick and growing sicker I didn't take the time to be her pep talk. She never talked about it a lot, she never complained never told us how she really felt. I live with the regret every day that I didn't push her to talk and share feelings. I avoided and she let me. I wish I could have done for her what she had done for me my entire life. Sure, I asked about appointments, how she was feeling what was next. But not HOW ARE YOU FEELING ABOUT ALL OF THIS!

I still talk to her, looking at the stars. I still wait for answers. I usually know what she would say but its not the same, I want her voice! Over all though I can tell myself its all going to be OK. I look forward to walking my sisters through life and them being the ones I call when I need it. Its new, mom gave us each other and I think she would be disappointed if we didn't lean on each other.

From one amazing woman passed down to us and from her mouth to you. Its all going to be ok, its all always alright in the end, if its not alright its not he end yet........

Coming next week.. better more fun memories, some funny fantastic stuff about my mom, she was a cool crazy lady.

Tuesdays still suck....

I don't know how hard I try to sit here and not think about the fact that it is indeed Tuesday, that 11 Tuesdays ago I let my momma go to a better place. I promise thats not what this entire post is about, I swear but ELEVEN Tuesdays ago *sigh* I miss her so damn much that it hurts. I really really wanna know what she thinks about things.

All that aside, I really have to get off my ass and move my life forward. I am moving you hear that world REALLY TRULY MOVING! And I have done nothing about it, not packed a single thing. I have been living in denial, yup we are going to move in together cool. And now I am facing down, holy crap its almost done and I think I will be moving this weekend. Have I packed? Nope. Have I cleaned anything out? Sorta, I did go through my drawers and my closet and got rid of loads of pants, shoes and some assorted shirts I never wear, I packed them in a box and set them in my dining room for a friend to go through and then I would donate the rest. Well, we ended up needing that box for a scout project so I dumped everything out in the little closet off the dining room, all spilling out over the floor. Its still there. Sigh, tonight maybe tonight I will pack something just one something to say I started.

Don't get me wrong, I am excited. Its a big step for the no more commitment ever me, to actually agree with moving in with "the boyfriend". The kids, well they are ecstatic. I won't miss my apartment life, I don't think. I just have these issues where I go but but but.....but this is my space, and its not much but I did this all by myself. I am working really hard to turn it into, this is our space and it will be great. I am getting there, mostly.

Amazingly enough I did clean out some paperwork last night and got rid of so much stuff. Wanna know what I saw? I saw that in the last just over year and a half my life has had a million turns, ups and downs. I threw most all of it away, and I feel lighter for it. I survived the divorce, I signed my first lease all alone, I got a DUI (yeah not proud of that) but I also did all of the legal work, am serving my almost over probation, paid all my fines I did the time so to speak and survived it. I signed for the first time ever on my own car all by myself, no one else on it with me, I got in a wreck I survived it. I paid my power bill, for the most part always on time. I lost my mother. All of that, every drop was still in all the paper work. I threw most of it away, I don't need it anymore. I also found my old family pictures, you know the last ones we ever took together. Man did I ponder for awhile, I really stared at them I looked at my 3 awesome little boys and me and what was my husband, want to know what I found? I wasn't smiling in a single one of those pictures, NOT ONE. Pretty indicative. I saved the pictures, but they are packed away.

I know I am going to face more, I know I will try like hell to get through it alone, but guess what I don't have to now. Oddly, thats the biggest adjustment, trying to learn to let someone help. I'll get there, I love him, he wants to help. So, I'll get there. One day I will turn around even and yell to him that I hate Tuesdays, and I think he will get it.