My mother was the greatest sounding board ever. She would make me feel better without coddling me, but in the event someone was wrong she wouldn't hesitate to tell me I was dealing with a dumb ass!
Today has been dumb ass central! Dealing with my ex has always been like dealing with a two year old that had his toy taken away. Tonight he made me feel like a horrible mother, made me doubt myself and cut me down in front of a Kindergarten teacher!
After never, ever in our life showing up for a parent teacher conference he shows up tonight without warning. Cool, so he is going to take an interest in the kids' education? Awesome. Wrong again, it was a chance to belittle me in front of others. He showed up a few minutes before me and when the teacher was offering to make copies of the report card he turned around and said, "oh I didn't know you would care enough to BOTHER showing up!" What the HELL! I have been to every single one, never ever missed one. I have the boys all week and make sure homework is done, they are fed, they make it to activities (that I pay for) and get them to school on time. I put the work into it and have very little of the down time, the fun no schedules time. It took me quite awhile to come to grips with this, to realize I know I am doing my job and doing it well! I kick ass at this mom stuff, its the one thing I can for sure pride myself on!
So where does my mom come into that? Why does it make me miss her more? She would have been able to calm me down quicker, she would have made me feel better and had witty come backs for next time it happens. She would have made me feel valuable. I miss her advice most of all her shoulder I was able to lean on. She was a woman of strength and had enough for all of us.
In these days we have had that have been tough. Where everyone (family) is bickering where I get to play middle man, she would have put it all in perspective. She would have either had it all lined out or fixed or she would have known what part of it was worthy of blowing off.
I wonder how long it takes to be a wise momma like that? Or is it just a natural talent and I am wound too tight to ever be like her? Did she have these moments of self doubt? She might have but it never showed. That lady was able to put one foot in front of the other and just get it done, whatever it took! She faced down single motherhood, working multiple jobs. Raising three girls, met a wonderful man (my dad) and well she survived me. She stared illness in the face and fought it like a champ, and let it beat her with grace. She knew when to slam and lock the door from nurses and sneak out to go fishing to save her own sanity. She was a lady, a mom and a true champ. And I will never measure up to all that, and I just wish so hard tonight that I had her shoulder to lean on.
So, about sums it up. I miss my momma. Eventually, hopefully by the end of the night I will be able to shrug it off and and go back to being the best I can be. Hopefully she will touch my thoughts in some way and let me know she is still with me. After all momma even gone moved a train for me :D (thats a story for another day, soon!)
PS My 2 youngest boys got straight A's and are doing wonderful! My 6th grader thats in honors everything pulled all a's and a B+ my 6th grade brainy boy who is in pre-algebra right now is being recommended for Algebra next year and is on track to have most of his high school math done before he is a freshman and able to start college math classes! I like to think I had a hand in their brains and work ethic!
Ugh what an asshat. I am so sorry that in the middle of still grieving for your mother, he has to act like that. I hope that bitch known as Karma, bites his you know what clean off. {{hugs}} I am always here if you need to vent.
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