6 weeks.

Because apparently I am not going to stop counting how long just yet. A good friend who recently lost his mom said soon you quit counting days and start counting in weeks or months. Looks like it doesn't get better for awhile, I didn't really expect it to. So Tuesdays always bite me in the butt. Six Tuesdays ago, we lost mom.



Today the lady at daycare asked about Dad how he is doing. Then the zinger she said so what happened anyway what was wrong?! I hate that question, usually tears well up and I choke out a half an answer. Today I made it through. Today I was able to give her the rundown. Today, six weeks later, I was able to talk about liver cancer.



So, those here that don't know here it is. April 2009 mom went to the hospital sick as sick can be, had pneumia. While doing x-rays and test they found a "spot" on her liver. After testing they found that mom had liver cancer. Through the weeks she had various testing done and talked to all the Dr.s to find options. I know she talked extensivly to my dad about what she would be willing to do. On to Salt Lake to visit with Dr's there and found out she was a perfect canidate for a liver transplant, this would solve everything.



Many many long appointments later she is on the list, high on the list. So it was always a matter of waiting for that one all important phone call. Sure there was a lot to do in the meantime. There was a particular meeting we all had to go to one day, where we would learn about the actual transplant what all it entailed and what would happen afterwards. I had the day off planned and everything scheduled to do so. The day before I was leaving work and BAM! Some asshole came flying out of the parking lot and rearended me. My first thought was holy crap how am I going to get to Salt Lake now? I was furious, this was so dang important! Of course my second thought was, you freaking jerk I just barely mailed the 2nd payment on this car! And my third thought was OUCH this hurts ;) After a hospital trip in an ambulance, totally being miserable everything would work out, my aunt would take me to the meeting with the Dr and all would be fine.



We sat in the conference room and looked at how complicated the transplant was, found out how long mom would have to stay after, started making arrangments for when we got "the call!" Everyone walked out in high spirits, excited knowing this would work and as strong as my mom is she would bounce through it and fight and be ok.



The call! July 4th, 2009 we got the call. I was just loading up in my car to head home after a BBQ at my folk's house and my sister came running out to tell me they have a liver! Mom is second in line, they always have 2 people go when they have an available organ. We made some major league FAST time getting there everyone on the edges of their seats and saying some major prayers. Ugh I can't even tell you how long we sat in that emergency room waiting and waiting to see if it would be mom that got to go. Finally, very wee hours of the morning we went and got a room close to the hospital. More waiting, more phone calls, more anticipation and eventually heartbreak as we lost hope. Come to find out that liver waited a long time for a recipiant, they always let trauma's have organs first and there were two traumas that night. We went home one very dejected, very tired family. No liver this time but still optimism we said this was our trial run that we would know exactly what to do next time. I said ok I made my first big road trip all by myself and didn't get lost, next time we have this.....

So thats it for now, seems I can only do this a bit at a time. Told ya it was a journey and a process. Heck I couldn't even post this on a Tuesday they suck that bad!

One Month....

One month ago today my mother passed away. So much to think about, so many memories and some regrets. I can't believe its been a month in this world that I have been motherless. The total breaking of my heart continues on, I feel like once we lose a parent we lose so much of our childhood, our youth. I am no longer a mother's daughter.



How many times in this past month have I picked up the phone to call her? So many things I had to say that was left unsaid because I knew I wouldn't be getting any advice or answers from my momma. Everything from good news, to what the kids were doing to hey guess what I am going to be moving but I want your advice on it! NOTHING there was no way to know what she would think. I used to call her every single day on the way to the post office, it was a nice little good morning conversation in the midst of work. I have now gone one month without this daily routine. I will never forget the last "post office run" call I made to her. She couldn't really respond, I knew she wasn't holding the phone my aunt was holding it to her ear. I put the chipper into my voice and the brave face on and told her about my day. Told her I was thinking about her and would be up to see her soon. I continued on like all things were normal as I let the tears sweep down my face. As I rattled on I realized that would be my last phone call to my mom and I was devestated. But I kept on like things were normal. Should I have said more? Should I have had a deeper conversation with my mom and told her more? I don't know. I did say I love you and she did mumble back I love you too. My heart soared at least I knew she heard me at least I knew she knew I loved her.



A month later I still don't know how to reach out. Some in my family are good at posting on her facebook, having a conversation with her. I can't. Some say to talk outloud she can hear me. I can't. Should I write it down? I am now. I have a million conversations with her in my head, can she hear those? I feel like I need a place to go visit with her. That is still unresolved a month later and we do not have a headstone or resting place for my mom. We are working on it but what needs done seems to be impossible at this time. I wear her ring, I keep momentos close to me, I have every charm and good luck thing people have given to me that I hold near and dear, but they don't sound like my mom, they don't feel like her. They don't have her laugh, or her advice or the witty things she would say, they don't make me feel like everything is going to be ok...... because its not.

As I sit here I think about "THAT DAY" that one day exactly one month ago. I got the phone call at like 4:30 in the morning. The one we had been dreading, "if you want to say good by to your mom you better get here" I sat completly dazed in my bed, at a loss. I knew I had to get there but dare I say it? I didn't want to! I didn't know if I would have the strength to watch her pass, to tell her goodbye. I had my kids, they were all in bed asleep could I use that for an excuse? No, 'the boyfriend' happened to be there and he would be more than happy to get them to school, I could figure the rest out after that. I knew I wanted to go, needed to go but a piece of me didn't think I could handle it. I walked around in a daze for awhile avoiding. Finally I got all ready and hit the road, man alive that 40 mile trip just gets longer each time I make it! When I pulled up my sisters were outside and I thought, Oh God I missed it! I didn't really wanna miss it but I did I was very terrified! But, I hadn't they had been waiting for me. It would prove to be many hours that I got to spend with my mom. That is all I can say about that day, maybe one day I can go into it but not now. I see that day in my head nearly every day and I can't seem to tell anyone about it, not all of it... maybe one day.

The rush of days after she passed are all such a blur. We made arrangments, we entertained family, we got through. We hated every single second of it. We had birthday cake two days after her passing for her birthday, she would have been 55. We had a beautiful service for her but I couldn't quite face the box of ashes, how was it thats what my mom was reduced to? A small box, it broke my heart. We each spoke at her funeral, how the hell did we manage that? When I think about it now I think we must have been on auto pilot! How I made it through her life sketch in one piece and so that people could even hear me is still beyond me. I knew though that I wanted it done well and something that would have made her proud so I did I got through. My sisters did amazing such brave souls. And we drank, thats right feel free to think what you want but we drank wine in the bathroom, thank God for my sister Terry, she was prepared! We got through, thats all we really did, we weren't ok we just got through. Every step, every day that followed I just kept in my head, what would mom do? The day I had to clean her room incase family stayed I didn't think I could do it. I had spent the night with my dad and it needed done. So I finally thought, what would mom do? Mom would wake up, clean the house, put her makeup on and make everyone comfortable, so thats what I have been doing.

One month ago today... and I still feel like I am falling apart. One month ago today, I watched my Mother die. One month ago today our entire family changed. I wonder when I will quit counting the days?

So, I will close this. I will get my mail ready and head to the post office. I will call someone, probably my dad who will be so hard to talk to who is a lost soul who cries and I don't know what to say to him because "its going to be ok" is a big fat lie. I will reach out to the family today and talk to them, I will keep the tears out of my voice, and put one foot in front of the other through this long day. Figures I would be pulling a double today, so I will do my job, I will go home and hug my kids and then get ready to put up with my other job. I will think about her all day, because I do anyway. I will get through this one month anniversary, because I have to...

So this is brand new, where do I start?

My story is long and detailed and I am terrible at doing it in order. I am going to hop around and it will probably not make sense but I feel the need to get it all down and out or else all these feelings and emotions are going to drown me. I don't even know if I mean for this to be read by anyone, it just seems like a good place to get all of the rush of emotions out without burdening those around me with trying to make me feel better or add to their grief. I have tried very hard to be stoic, to get through this time without affecting anyone else around me. That has proved to be unwise, so I shall ramble, and write and see where it leads me in my journey.

Lets start with the basics. My mom, one of my best friends, the lady who raised me, was my role model MY MOM! was diagnosed with liver cancer in April of 2009 after being admitted to the hospital for pneumia. We were rocked back but determined to beat this thing. Novemeber 17, 2009 my passed away. Thats the long and short of it! There is alot in between and alot I will be dealing with from here on out. Wanna come along on the journey with me?

Not only that I am a mom, specifically a single mom to 3 rowdy, active, crazy, wonderful boys. They are my life, they are the reason I still wake up every morning and let my feet hit the floor. I am sure you will hear alot about them as well :D

I have a dad, he is awesome, and 3 half sisters. Our family is large when you add in kids, cousins, aunts, uncles and all those we take in with us. They are pretty awesome, all of them at some times ;)