One Month....

One month ago today my mother passed away. So much to think about, so many memories and some regrets. I can't believe its been a month in this world that I have been motherless. The total breaking of my heart continues on, I feel like once we lose a parent we lose so much of our childhood, our youth. I am no longer a mother's daughter.



How many times in this past month have I picked up the phone to call her? So many things I had to say that was left unsaid because I knew I wouldn't be getting any advice or answers from my momma. Everything from good news, to what the kids were doing to hey guess what I am going to be moving but I want your advice on it! NOTHING there was no way to know what she would think. I used to call her every single day on the way to the post office, it was a nice little good morning conversation in the midst of work. I have now gone one month without this daily routine. I will never forget the last "post office run" call I made to her. She couldn't really respond, I knew she wasn't holding the phone my aunt was holding it to her ear. I put the chipper into my voice and the brave face on and told her about my day. Told her I was thinking about her and would be up to see her soon. I continued on like all things were normal as I let the tears sweep down my face. As I rattled on I realized that would be my last phone call to my mom and I was devestated. But I kept on like things were normal. Should I have said more? Should I have had a deeper conversation with my mom and told her more? I don't know. I did say I love you and she did mumble back I love you too. My heart soared at least I knew she heard me at least I knew she knew I loved her.



A month later I still don't know how to reach out. Some in my family are good at posting on her facebook, having a conversation with her. I can't. Some say to talk outloud she can hear me. I can't. Should I write it down? I am now. I have a million conversations with her in my head, can she hear those? I feel like I need a place to go visit with her. That is still unresolved a month later and we do not have a headstone or resting place for my mom. We are working on it but what needs done seems to be impossible at this time. I wear her ring, I keep momentos close to me, I have every charm and good luck thing people have given to me that I hold near and dear, but they don't sound like my mom, they don't feel like her. They don't have her laugh, or her advice or the witty things she would say, they don't make me feel like everything is going to be ok...... because its not.

As I sit here I think about "THAT DAY" that one day exactly one month ago. I got the phone call at like 4:30 in the morning. The one we had been dreading, "if you want to say good by to your mom you better get here" I sat completly dazed in my bed, at a loss. I knew I had to get there but dare I say it? I didn't want to! I didn't know if I would have the strength to watch her pass, to tell her goodbye. I had my kids, they were all in bed asleep could I use that for an excuse? No, 'the boyfriend' happened to be there and he would be more than happy to get them to school, I could figure the rest out after that. I knew I wanted to go, needed to go but a piece of me didn't think I could handle it. I walked around in a daze for awhile avoiding. Finally I got all ready and hit the road, man alive that 40 mile trip just gets longer each time I make it! When I pulled up my sisters were outside and I thought, Oh God I missed it! I didn't really wanna miss it but I did I was very terrified! But, I hadn't they had been waiting for me. It would prove to be many hours that I got to spend with my mom. That is all I can say about that day, maybe one day I can go into it but not now. I see that day in my head nearly every day and I can't seem to tell anyone about it, not all of it... maybe one day.

The rush of days after she passed are all such a blur. We made arrangments, we entertained family, we got through. We hated every single second of it. We had birthday cake two days after her passing for her birthday, she would have been 55. We had a beautiful service for her but I couldn't quite face the box of ashes, how was it thats what my mom was reduced to? A small box, it broke my heart. We each spoke at her funeral, how the hell did we manage that? When I think about it now I think we must have been on auto pilot! How I made it through her life sketch in one piece and so that people could even hear me is still beyond me. I knew though that I wanted it done well and something that would have made her proud so I did I got through. My sisters did amazing such brave souls. And we drank, thats right feel free to think what you want but we drank wine in the bathroom, thank God for my sister Terry, she was prepared! We got through, thats all we really did, we weren't ok we just got through. Every step, every day that followed I just kept in my head, what would mom do? The day I had to clean her room incase family stayed I didn't think I could do it. I had spent the night with my dad and it needed done. So I finally thought, what would mom do? Mom would wake up, clean the house, put her makeup on and make everyone comfortable, so thats what I have been doing.

One month ago today... and I still feel like I am falling apart. One month ago today, I watched my Mother die. One month ago today our entire family changed. I wonder when I will quit counting the days?

So, I will close this. I will get my mail ready and head to the post office. I will call someone, probably my dad who will be so hard to talk to who is a lost soul who cries and I don't know what to say to him because "its going to be ok" is a big fat lie. I will reach out to the family today and talk to them, I will keep the tears out of my voice, and put one foot in front of the other through this long day. Figures I would be pulling a double today, so I will do my job, I will go home and hug my kids and then get ready to put up with my other job. I will think about her all day, because I do anyway. I will get through this one month anniversary, because I have to...