I'm going through changes...

Why oh why do I have random music popping up in my head that I only know a few lyrics to? Between I'm going through changes and "Final countdown" I am driving myself nuts!

I feel, the last few day, on edge. Things are moving forward and happening at what feels like record speed and I want to drag my feet and go back to "the usual". Does the "usual" include using so many " " as I type? Work is the same, both jobs. The kids activities remain the same, daily life as I know it? So not the same. Its so different waking up in a different house, going to bed in that house. Adjusting to all of us being in the same house. Its nice. I enjoy the evenings together with "the boyfriend" even if they are just playing facebook poker or watching American Idol. I enjoy cooking for more people. I love that he helps! (that is so new!) its just DIFFERENT!

So much of this has led me to re-evaluate myself. Its strange realizing that maybe I am not 100% ok with myself. I mean I never have been but now I am more actively thinking about it. I have to be the best of me so I can give that best to my boys, to my relationship, to my work and when I start ticking in my head, that noise that says things just are going to work status quo.

I have shocked myself in ways. I am more liberal than I thought! I find myself reading and being interested in politics and the news and all that is happening. Coming from a family of die hard conservatives I am not. WHAT?! I was! But I find myself agreeing with others on issues I didn't think I would. Its interesting and very much a learning experience.

I am also a jealous/envious person. I didn't realize how much. Mostly of people's situations. Prime example, ex husband is going back to school. I am wicked jealous that he has time and means to make this happen, I find myself growling inward that he doesn't have to do all the daily errand running that my boys require so he can commit to a school schedule. He gets weekends the easy times, the times that don't demand that everything be scheduled to the tee to make it all happen. Then I think to myself, wait I don't have to do all that running, I GET to! They won't always need me and for now they do, and they are so appreciative of that. The ride to and from things are often times our time to connect and talk. He is missing out on that stuff, thats the good stuff! I will get over it, if I want to go that badly I will find a way to make it happen, I need to get off my duff and get it done! I am envious of people that find a way to work out daily, then I realize its an excuse when I want that badly enough I will find a way to make that happen too! At least I think I am fairly ok off if I realize that I can make it happen, I just haven't. The first step is admitting it could be me right?!

I want to be more organized and work harder and not always be a dollar short and a day late. I am actually working on this one, small changes should eventually add up to a smoother day/month year, budget and time wise. For now its babysteps.

Valentine's day is coming. I dread it! I was going to not even mention this day in my blog but alas here I come back to it. I don't want to show up empty handed, but I don't want to get carried away cheesy either. Whats the perfect idea? What oh what can I do? Meh, something will pop up sooner or later. It really should only be about candy hearts and no expectations. Its not, but it should be!

So among all my ramblings, the stupid lyrics, "going thru changes" keeps going through my head. Maybe I will look up the song and sing it all and be over all the edginess that I am feeling. Or maybe I will use it to push myself forward!