Trippy Tuesday,

Via the advice of a dear friend I have decided to do something different on Tuesdays. Since they suck so bad and I always fall in to the zoned out sad category I have decided to share a memory on Tuesdays of my mom, happy positive memories. So its memory lane trip time, hence trippy Tuesday yeah I know, I am not real clever. Never said it was my strong suit, cleverness. Smart ass comments? That I can do.

Anyhow a memory! One of the best things about my mom, and the thing we keep touching on now while the sisters and I go through major life changes are her little pep talks. The ones on the phone where she makes us totally believe its going to be ok! One of her favorite quotes was "its always alright in the end, if its not alright its not the end yet" Seems like she would always remind us of that. Or "don't sweat the small stuff and its all small stuff". So simple but so true most all of the time. I will never forget when I called mom to tell her I was getting divorced. I hated the thought of them knowing my marriage was failing, what would she think, how would she react, how disappointed in me would she be? As I walked outside, cigarette in hand ready for a long conversation she simply said, I know and I am glad. WHAT?! No lecture no are you sure? Nope she was a mom she already knew I had been super unhappy for a very long time. She told me I would move on, that I would work hard and do the best I could by my boys. I could move closer to home and she would help or I could pull up my bootstraps so to speak and just get things done. She didn't go on for a long time but by the end I felt like I could actually make it all work.

As we go through these times now without her here for the phone pep talks it proves to be super tough. My sisters and I reach out to each other to fill in the giant gaping hole. Conversations usually go something like this "help I need mom will you tell me it will be ok?" And we scramble and stutter and try to think of what mom would say. I am not sure how we are doing at it, but we all seem to be getting through.

Sometimes all we had to do was pick up the phone and say Hi and she would instantly know something was up. Mom told someone once she could tell when something was going on with me because I would be super chipper and avoid anything of any seriousness in my conversation. She would even go along with me on those conversations and finally she would say "so whats really up?" Man, could I unload on her at those times!

My biggest regret is as she was sick and growing sicker I didn't take the time to be her pep talk. She never talked about it a lot, she never complained never told us how she really felt. I live with the regret every day that I didn't push her to talk and share feelings. I avoided and she let me. I wish I could have done for her what she had done for me my entire life. Sure, I asked about appointments, how she was feeling what was next. But not HOW ARE YOU FEELING ABOUT ALL OF THIS!

I still talk to her, looking at the stars. I still wait for answers. I usually know what she would say but its not the same, I want her voice! Over all though I can tell myself its all going to be OK. I look forward to walking my sisters through life and them being the ones I call when I need it. Its new, mom gave us each other and I think she would be disappointed if we didn't lean on each other.

From one amazing woman passed down to us and from her mouth to you. Its all going to be ok, its all always alright in the end, if its not alright its not he end yet........

Coming next week.. better more fun memories, some funny fantastic stuff about my mom, she was a cool crazy lady.