I don't know how hard I try to sit here and not think about the fact that it is indeed Tuesday, that 11 Tuesdays ago I let my momma go to a better place. I promise thats not what this entire post is about, I swear but ELEVEN Tuesdays ago *sigh* I miss her so damn much that it hurts. I really really wanna know what she thinks about things.
All that aside, I really have to get off my ass and move my life forward. I am moving you hear that world REALLY TRULY MOVING! And I have done nothing about it, not packed a single thing. I have been living in denial, yup we are going to move in together cool. And now I am facing down, holy crap its almost done and I think I will be moving this weekend. Have I packed? Nope. Have I cleaned anything out? Sorta, I did go through my drawers and my closet and got rid of loads of pants, shoes and some assorted shirts I never wear, I packed them in a box and set them in my dining room for a friend to go through and then I would donate the rest. Well, we ended up needing that box for a scout project so I dumped everything out in the little closet off the dining room, all spilling out over the floor. Its still there. Sigh, tonight maybe tonight I will pack something just one something to say I started.
Don't get me wrong, I am excited. Its a big step for the no more commitment ever me, to actually agree with moving in with "the boyfriend". The kids, well they are ecstatic. I won't miss my apartment life, I don't think. I just have these issues where I go but but but.....but this is my space, and its not much but I did this all by myself. I am working really hard to turn it into, this is our space and it will be great. I am getting there, mostly.
Amazingly enough I did clean out some paperwork last night and got rid of so much stuff. Wanna know what I saw? I saw that in the last just over year and a half my life has had a million turns, ups and downs. I threw most all of it away, and I feel lighter for it. I survived the divorce, I signed my first lease all alone, I got a DUI (yeah not proud of that) but I also did all of the legal work, am serving my almost over probation, paid all my fines I did the time so to speak and survived it. I signed for the first time ever on my own car all by myself, no one else on it with me, I got in a wreck I survived it. I paid my power bill, for the most part always on time. I lost my mother. All of that, every drop was still in all the paper work. I threw most of it away, I don't need it anymore. I also found my old family pictures, you know the last ones we ever took together. Man did I ponder for awhile, I really stared at them I looked at my 3 awesome little boys and me and what was my husband, want to know what I found? I wasn't smiling in a single one of those pictures, NOT ONE. Pretty indicative. I saved the pictures, but they are packed away.
I know I am going to face more, I know I will try like hell to get through it alone, but guess what I don't have to now. Oddly, thats the biggest adjustment, trying to learn to let someone help. I'll get there, I love him, he wants to help. So, I'll get there. One day I will turn around even and yell to him that I hate Tuesdays, and I think he will get it.
No comments:
Post a Comment